Patience.....

Or lack of! I don't know what has seemed longer to me, the years of not having a baby, or the nine months we've known there was FINALLY one on its way! I haven't been very nice for the last nine months, I've been really lazy from lack of energy, and I haven't been anywhere near as prepared by now as I was with the other boys. I don't even have Porter's room ready for him and I only have 8 days left! This week my doctor's appointment went really well. The doctor for the first time was able to feel the baby's head in the exam and I went from 40% to 70% effaced! I don't know what to think of the not dilating part because by now as I've said about both other boys I was 4 and 5 cms along. This pregnancy has been so different so I guess I don't know why I expected the end to be any different.

I stressed a concern of mine to the doctor yesterday that scares me the most about delivery. I lost a lot of blood when I had Cole, in the beginning and for six weeks after. I hadn't lost as much with Braxton and I had stopped within a week or two of him. I told the doctor that I'm really scared of hemorrhaging afterwards because it was bad before and being heavier this time it's normal to bleed heavily. He assured me that there is medication to stop it and that they will watch to make sure it doesn't happen. I don't know if that makes me less scared, but I know that once the labor is over my fears will all go away.

I'm thankful for this journey. The joy I have in my heart makes me tear up just thinking about it. There is a longing for babies when you can't have one, a feeling that no one knows, but those who have suffered through it. I have two sisters who have never been able to have children of their own, and I remember sharing their sadness before I was even married, for the simple fact that girls wait their whole lives to be mothers, even just once and sometimes it doesn't happen. It was the hardest thing for me to tell them I was pregnant the first time because I was worried of making their heartaches worse. Even after a miscarriage and my own heartaches of not getting pregnant I still don't know what to say to people who struggle with the same challenge. There are never the right words when it's someone else's sorrows. Even if, we've been down the same road.

I'm glad that this week is EXTREMELY busy and that my mind doesn't have too much time to keep going crazy! The boys will be late if I don't get going. I hope that everyone has a fun week with the festivities of Halloween! I know this is a holiday that I love to celebrate. Sorry for the length of this post. It's more I guess of a record for me of what my feelings are today!